Talking during sex is a nice way to nurture sexual intimacy in a relationship. But bedroom conversation is uncomfortable for many.
A post on the Gottoman Institute Relationship Blog a few years ago, (the post isn’t there any longer) told of a study by Hatfield and Rapson where a large number of men and women told researchers they wished their partner would be more open about what they wanted sexually. The same men and women also confessed to being reluctant to tell their partners what they themselves wanted. Ironic isn’t it?
I’ve been looking for the study by Hatfield and Rapson. I’ve been unsuccessful so far. I’ll keep looking.
But given my work as a sex therapist, it makes sense to me that bedroom conversation doesn’t come easily for many of us, no matter our wishes.
What was nice about the Gottman post were two lists, one for men, one for women, that had simple, specific–and fairly tame–phrases to try, for people who want to experiment with what’s popularly referred to as “dirty-talking” in the media. But the post is gone, so I came up with a couple of lists of my own.
12 Fairly Tame Things Your Mom Might Have Said to Your Dad When You Weren’t Listening
Ok, so maybe your mom and dad didn’t talk this way. But, are you sure?
- You sure look hot in those boxers, how about taking them off for me?
- Tonight….(said in a sultry tone)
- Let’s take this can of whipped cream into the bedroom
- (text message from you in the bedroom to him in the living room) I’m lying in bed naked, waiting for you (Ok, so your parents didn’t have text capability)
- What do you fantasize about when you’re with me?
- Your wish is my command
- Kiss me right here… take your time
- Let me kiss you there … and don’t rush me
- It drives me crazy when you look at me that way
- What’s your favourite part of my body?
- My favorite part of your body is…
- I want you to undress and wait for me in the bedroom
12 Fairly Tame Things Your Dad Might Have Said to Your Mom When You Weren’t Listening
- You smell so good
- Sweetie, you are the sexist thing I have ever seen
- I’ve been thinking of you all day, your body yes, but also how lucky I am to be with you
- I want to make you feel good
- Your skin is so soft and smooth
- Being with you is the best part of my day
- What a sweet, sexy butt
- I love pleasing you and your sounds drive me crazy
- You look so sexy right now
- I will love you forever
- You. Are. Amazing!
- Lot’s of sexy women there tonight, but I get to go home with the sexiest
Remember practice makes perfect. And yes, if you haven’t used your words much for lovemaking, it will feel awkward at first. Don’t let that stop you. Your partner won’t mind your awkwardness, if you tell him/her what you’re working on.
Bedroom Conversation: Next Step
Now, next step: invite your lover to sit down with you and come up with your own lists. Your lists will be far better than mine.